Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
You Might Also Like
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
what the
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead