They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
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16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.