When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
this is how life feels
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?