NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”