The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
secret recipe
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.