me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit