wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.