I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk