When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I’m going to need a moment here.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you