[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
You Might Also Like
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*controversially pours a glass of milk*