At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Gods work.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents