damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I don’t get marriage
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Feels
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.