You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Finally a use for spoilers…
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
grotesque if literal: baby food
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND