5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
🍛
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Cats are still liquid.
first you must answer his riddles
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.