*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
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Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?