If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
this is uni
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Haha good job!!
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not