* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
🤣🤣
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now