Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
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Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Milk Cube
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*exercises sarcastically*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The days of good grammer has went
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?