I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Just this preview of the story is enough
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
*looks at you in batman voice*
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.