If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
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Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.