I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?