I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.