where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You Might Also Like
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.