Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.