The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.