Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
This is hilarious….
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”