If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS