My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!