[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
You Might Also Like
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come