… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
can I use a minion as a tampon
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.