i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.