Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?