I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Monica just destroyed the internet
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
estão todos miauvindo?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.