Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
#Caturday
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.