My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking