In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
How I like cutting carbs
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Oh we’ve met.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.