*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Best spot.. 😅
Help Wanted
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning