Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Big Sex has us all fooled
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.