American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
the council will decide your fate
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.