Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children