If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
🏙👨🏼
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”