I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.