Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
How does one answer this?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s