to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them