All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
girls literally only want one thing..
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.