Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
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Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.