Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
You Might Also Like
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
incredible book dedication
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.