The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.