Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
You Might Also Like
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Okay, I’m still confused…
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
What the hell is going on?
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit