Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I am HOWLING at this
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Best mom ever 😂
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.